Become a parent they said!

I am not sure why I wanted to become a parent. I am sure I know why I had more than 2 children. More on that later.


I am probably the least maternal person I know. I don’t like hugs and kisses, especially when they come with dirty, sticky fingers and mouths. I am a little bit of a germophobe and very much an introvert, who hates being touched.

My first child took us 5 years and nearly R 250 000 to conceive through fertility treatments.

I was fairly young when we started treatment, just 25 years old but I had a history and so the specialists started treatment right away. Generally they wait until you are around 27 and have been trying for at least 3 years. We had only been trying for a year.

They say that if your marriage can survive fertility treatment, it can survive anything. After nearly 30 years of marriage, I think that is true. I believe that they now have counselling for couples going through treatment.

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Once all the testing phases were completed and we still had no idea why I wasn’t managing to conceive, we went through 10 rounds of artificial insemination (AI).

The tests included blood tests for hormone levels, his and mine. Test for immunity to all childhood illnesses. Tests for chemical compatibility, a woman can be allergic to her partners sperm or have a very acidic body which will kill the sperm. Then I went for a horrible procedure that was not supposed to be painfull but it actually was!

They inject dye into your uterus and watch under xray to see that the Fallopian tubes are not blocked and that the eggs once released will be able to travel to the designated spot for fertilization. The dye leaked slightly into my abdominal cavity and caused the most horrific cramping. I was having visitors that night and I even had to drive myself home. I was told I would be fine, so I had made no arrangements and sent my husband off to work that morning!

AI involves, going in for (in those days) hormone injections every day for 12 days,somewhere between day 10 to 14, you have an ultrasound to see if you are producing eggs and to calculate ovulation. No intercourse aloud during those days. When they think you are about to ovulate, your partner has to then ejaculate into a little bottle (this can be done at home or they have a special room), the sperm needs to go with you to the clinic, you only have a very small window before they start to die.

The technician then cleans up the sperm so you only get the best. You now lie on a bed with your underwear off and your legs up in holders. The doctor then inserts a long thin tube attached to a syringe containing the sperm into your uterus and pushes the plunger.

Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash

AND then you wait. After the longest 10 days of your life you go for a blood test that tells if it worked or not. No peeing on a stick allowed!

The idea behind this is that the sperm are ready for the eggs that were hopefully released and are ready to be fertilised. The release date is triggered by another different hormone injection.

Fertility treatment is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! The rounds of medications, scans, blood tests and disappointments, month after month, can really put a strain on your relationships, finances and body.

I was pms’ing for nearly 5 years! I had to stop work because I wasn’t able to deal with patients who were pregnant.

I am still not sure how my husband put up with the bitch that I was for those 4 years! Finally the specialist decided it was time to move on to In-vitro-Fertilization (IVF). We decided that if it didn’t work, then  we would just not have children!

Before this could happen, I had to go back and repeat the dye procedure as it had now been 3 years. This time I was prepared, everything was organised at home, my husband was with me to take me home. NO pain, nothing. I was perfectly fine this time round and we were given the all clear to begin treatment.

The IVF was even worse than the AI. I had to be on birth control for a month, no hormone activity allowed! Then the injections begin and this time they are stronger and cause more severe mood swings than ever. Finally the day of the scan arrives and your egg sizes are carefully measured. You get given a date and you need to be in hospital for them to harvest your eggs. You partner needs to give his donation at the same time.

A light anesthetic is given and when you wake up you have a little drawing on your hand to say how many eggs they got.

The sperm is then injected into the eggs, now you wait again. Another long 3 days! Back to the doctor to now have the fertilized and growing eggs put into your uterus where they will hopefully develop into a fetus and then a baby.

Thankfully the IVF worked and after 8 months I gave birth to a very special young man, *Joseph. *Joseph was 3 weeks early, he had been in a rush to get out from around 27 weeks. I was hospitalised a few times to stop the contractions but now it was time. He was born weighing a whopping 2,5kg.

For those who never struggle to conceive, just remember everytime you bend over that toilet bowl to hurl, someone is wishing they were you!

Photo by Tim Bish on Unsplash



When the Bubble bursts

When the bubble bursts and you start to fall. When we first married, my husband was buying into what he thought was a thriving business. The person he was buying it from was a close family member.


The kind you would instinctively assume would have your back no matter what. 6 years later we discovered that was not true.

We got married and lived in a small apartment in a not so marvelous part of the city but it was within our budget.

At this stage the family member discussed selling the business with my husband. I probably should have given my opinion then but it was a family business and I didn’t want to later be told ‘It’s your fault xyz’. They kept the business and my husband was often told to buy things through this business for our private life.

Shortly after our first year of marriage we moved to a rented house in a better suburb. We had been trying at this stage to have a baby for about a year, with no success.

My husband was then convinced by the family member to buy us a house, as the rented house was no longer safe. The foundation was sinking.

We discussed options and costs and were told not to worry, we can use the money from the business, they would just increase *John’s salary to cover the costs.

I was working for a busy GP practice. I had to resign during my last year of fertility treatment as I was always to sick from the hormones to work.


It took us 5 years and  R 250 000 to have our first child, *Joseph was born in 1996. Around this time I discovered that the business my husband was buying in to was actually going into debt. I had stopped working and was now a full time mom.

In 1997, the  bubble burst, big time. The business went into liquidation, we nearly lost our house as my husband was listed as one of the business partners and our house was a cc, with him as a partner. I also discovered that I was pregnant with child number 2. *Joseph was 9 months old at the time.

My husband went into voluntary liquidation. The family member managed to make sure his house was safe. Thankfully a good friend in the legal business helped us move the house from a CC to my name. We have an ANC marriage contract so everything, the house and 2 cars were put under my name.


The first thing I did was find temporary work as a receptionist, no one wants to hire a pregnant woman. My husband eventually found a job when I was 32 weeks into my pregnancy. He held that job for the next 4 years, it was an NGO and the politics eventually got to him.

As I have said previously my husband is a nice guy, he is no good at politics. He had to go to the CCMA, he won his case and this kept us going for the 3 months it took for him to find a new job.

My new baby, a girl this time, *Shirley, came with me to a flexible job I had found doing data capture. She was 2 weeks old when I started there.

When she was 4 months old, she started at a creche and I found full time work back at my old boss.

In the space of 6 years we went from having no money worries, to almost losing everything we had.

This was not the last time this trusted family member nearly cost us everything, we are still not recovered.

*A reminder that names have been changed and pictures are free images from WP*




I Hate Mothers Day!

art-statue-child-mother.jpgI Hate mothers day! I have now been a mother for 21 years and have yet to receive a mothers day card or gift.

I don’t expect a gift. Money is tight and gifts can be expensive. I would however, like someone to acknowledge the fact that it is mothers day.

There are so many ways to thank your mom on mothers day without it costing you money.

Hand made vouchers for a cup of tea/coffee, breakfast in bed, offering to cook or do a chore.

A handmade card with a message inside, would be appreciated. It’s not like there is no coloured papers or coloured pencils in my house, I still have 3 at school. We have computers, we have a printer. How hard could it be.pexels-photo-264902.jpeg

I have treated myself to a mothers day present, an expensive one! I have hired a business coach!

So today for mothers day, I am taking my mom out for coffee and she is taking me to clothes shopping as she has a credit at a store and she thinks I need new clothes.

My mother is an amazingly strong woman in her late 70’s who has just been made chairperson of the retirement village she lives in. She has been my support during a lot of turbulent times.

For mothers day today, I am going to the store to buy my groceries for the week. When I get home, I then get to cook lunch and then later dinner. I get to help my older daughter create her Facebook page for her new make up business and I get to help my foster daughter with her homework.

So now that my bitter rant is over, I hope all the moms out there get something nice for mothers day and have a fantastic day! Remember fathers day is next month!

How is mothers day acknowledged in your home?

Life Partners

pexels-photo-70737.jpegIn 1988 I met my future husband. I had plenty of boyfriends before then and a lot of casual encounters. He had not ever been in any kind of relationship.

We met at a live venue and had mutual friends in common. He was an observant Jew and I was just starting to learn about being an observant Jew. Previously I was like a lot of other Jews, I was born Jewish but did not practice my faith.

We dated for a year and then got engaged. He postponed the wedding 7 weeks before the day. I had just received our invitations. We got married a year later. I should have called it off but I didn’t, because I was comfortable with him.

I married him, not out of love but more out of laziness. He didn’t irritate me and we could talk for ages on the phone. Previous boyfriends began to irritate me within a few weeks of our relationships.

We are still married but for me once again it is laziness that stops me leaving. I can’t be bothered. We don’t fight, he is very understanding about the fact that due to a medical condition we cannot have intercourse.

He loves me. I find him boring, irritating and sometimes annoying but I am lucky to have him, when I look at what other people have. I know how ungrateful I sound and I am about to sound like a spoiled brat. This is one of the reasons this blog is not linked in anyway to my and is being written under a pseudonym.

He was a very hands on father when the children were babies, he taxi’s  those that need it to all their social events, he gets up in the middle of the night to let out a pet making a noise, even though I am the one closest to the door and he uses an apnoea machine, which he has to remove to get up.

He is sometime thoughtless, like leaving the house without letting anyone know, or saying he is on his way only to stop off at his mother or someone else to do something for them.

He is kind to everyone and has difficulty saying no. He never complains about the food I have served or not.

He works two jobs to help make ends meet, while I work part time and try to build a business.

I can’t stand his chewing, his sniffing, his throat clearing, his sense of humor often leaves me baffled. He is slow and never on time.

He loves me and he loves our children and would do anything for us. I know I not likely to ever leave him and that makes me a spoiled brat and an ungrateful human being.